I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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