Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
