if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
