im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I think a kid would responsible me up
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
