You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
