I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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