i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
