So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
