so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
