Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
