Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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