Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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