That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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