the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Found the puke drawer
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
