I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
