I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
