Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
