I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Let's get the cat blown out
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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