Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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