i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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