I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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