sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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