the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
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