Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
