I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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