I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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