They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
