all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
