i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
