What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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