you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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