He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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