fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
