So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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