did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Will exercising make me less horny?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
