I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
