You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
