we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
