We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
