I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
