Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Let's paint friendship bongs
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
