How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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