I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
