I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
