I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
