I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
