i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
