i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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