I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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