I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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