Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's never too late to be topless.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
