At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
